In my recent post about the situation in early August, I recalled how my mother had been hospitalised for 6 days after falling and breaking her wrist (which followed on from the various other events I’ve written about previously).
She has now returned home, and naturally it’s been a difficult couple of weeks since then, because she hates being in a cast and unable to do much. But there has also been some help from carers, my aunt and a mental health specialist.
So here’s my latest update on how things have been going during the second half of the month, and I hope you find it insightful.
Contents
- August 18 – Mum returns home.
- August 19 – Carer & reablement visits.
- August 24 – Carers & visitors.
- August 26 – My birthday & fracture clinic.
- August 31 – Mental health & melatonin.
Monday, August 18
Mum returns home.
She’s back. I didn’t hear anything during the morning, but then around 1pm, as I was preparing my delicious Charlie Bigham’s lasagne for lunch, I got a phonecall from a nurse at the ward saying she was coming home. And having spent 6 nights in hospital, she arrived home in an ambulance at 2:30pm, with a couple of lovely paramedics bringing her in. They’d returned her teddy bear, talking watch, nightdress, slippers and medication, and they even gave her a packed lunch and toiletries that she didn’t need.
She was relieved to be home, naturally, and after a rest the first thing she needed to do was use the toilet. So rather than have her climb upstairs, we took her to the outhouse at the back downstairs, carefully getting her up and down the two steps outside the back door. She also had a couple of cups of tea and a slice of madeira cake, and then later we both had cheese on toast.
Her hospital stay had been alright for the most part, they did look after her well. She doesn’t remember anything about her first day on the ward, when she was extremely tired and drugged up and behaving strangely, but after that she was fine. And it sounds like the food was good, as they had shepherd’s pie today before she came home.
Care has also been arranged for her, which I’m glad about. We got a call from the carers agency to confirm they would be coming round at around 9am, 12:30pm and 7pm, so if I can cook dinners for the latter time in the evening, they can help to feed her. We had the first carer come over at about 6:15pm this evening, locking her bike in our front garden and donning gloves, shoe coverings and a mask before entering the house, but she didn’t have to do much. She tried to get Mum into a couple of her other nightdresses, but the sleeves were too slim to go over the plaster cast. So I’ll wash her main nightdress that they sent back from the hospital tomorrow and she can wear that, and I’ll wash the robe she’s been wearing as well. From tomorrow the carers can properly help her to get washed, dressed, eat and so on.
I wasn’t able to give the care agency the code for the key safe though, so the carers could let themselves in, as the telecare people will only give it to emergency services. It seems rather silly to have a key safe that even I can’t access! The lady on the phone from the agency said that I could try Mum’s birth year, or her day and month of birth, but looking up the particular model of key safe online, it looks like it needs 6 digits. Otherwise she said they can contact our local disability support service to try and get the code if need be, although I doubt they’ll know it either. In any case, I’ll be indoors every time the carers come anyway, so I’ll be able to let them in. And as Mum gets better at moving around again, she might be able to let them in too.
I also got a call from a lady on the reablement team, who will be coming tomorrow to give Mum a functional assessment, to see how they can help her get her confidence and independence back. It happens to be at the same time as the carers workshop I’d been hoping to go to, but this is more important so I’ll have to stay indoors. Hopefully my aunt will pop round tomorrow as well, because I called her to let her know Mum was back. And my local blind friend will be able to pop over and see her on Thursday hopefully.
So it’s all go, and tomorrow should be a pretty busy day. But it is good to have Mum home, and I’m glad she’s getting help.
Tuesday, August 19
Carer & reablement visits.
Today was Mum’s first full day back at home, and thus the first time she’s had a carer coming round for a full day, so naturally it’s been rather awkward. The carer is a foreign lady who, while polite and willing to help, has a strong accent and isn’t the best English speaker, so it’s difficult for us to understand her sometimes. And her times of arrival have been unpredictable. We thought she was coming at 9am but she didn’t turn up until about 9:45am. She gave Mum a strip wash and got her dressed in the lounge, which worked well enough, and Mum did say a few times that it felt lovely to be given a proper wash. I stayed out of the way in the study of course, I didn’t watch!
At lunchtime, meanwhile, we thought the carer would arrive at 1pm, as we were going to get her to make sandwiches for Mum. But by the time it got closer to 2pm Mum just fancied a hot cross bun, so I buttered one of those for her and she had that, as it’s easy for her to pick things up. The lady did ring as Mum was starting to eat her lunch to say she was on her way, but I said she wasn’t needed to she didn’t bother coming. I don’t think we’re going to need carers at lunchtimes at all really, as Mum only has things she can lift herself like sandwiches.
The carer then came again in the evening, earlier than expected this time. She was due at 7pm, so I started cooking the pies and accompaniments with that in mind, but she turned up about 20 minutes early. But she was happy to wait, and then helped to feed Mum her dinner. Mum nearly didn’t have it as she was very sleepy when I was preparing it, and she didn’t really like being fed by someone else, so didn’t eat it all, but she ate a reasonable amount of it. And the lady then helped Mum to get changed into her nightdress. Mum was then able to relax for the rest of the evening listening to the football on the radio – during which time she ate a rice pudding from M&S by herself and later had tea and biscuits.
During the morning we also had a visit from a lady from the reablement team, who explained that they would effectively be taking over from the care the hospital had arranged, with the emphasis more on encouraging Mum to do things herself where possible. It would be nice if people from the social care team came to do this, but I get the impression they’ll just keep sending people from the agency the hospital have used. Then when the reablement period has ended, they’ll review how Mum’s doing, and if she needs ongoing support they can help us to arrange that. There’s also a referral form for physiotherapy in the packet of documents that the lady left with us, so at some point we’ll fill that out, as it’d be useful to help Mum become stronger and more confident with her walking, as well as helping her wrist to get back to normal functionality after her cast is removed.
And then during the afternoon I got a call from the hospital, booking Mum in at the fracture clinic next Tuesday, where I imagine she’ll be X-rayed again. So I asked if we could get transport as Mum won’t be able to get into a taxi easily, and was given the number for the transport team, through whom I was able to book her a pickup in an ambulance. So Mum was pleased I had got that sorted out for her.
So it’s been a strange day, but at least we can be a bit more relaxed tomorrow. Now that we know what the carer is best placed to do, and how unpredictable their attendance is, we can work around that reasonably well.
Sunday, August 24
Carers & visitors.
Things have continued to be mixed during the rest of this week. Mum still hates being in the cast of course, and she can’t wait until she can get washed and dressed herself without carers doing it.
Having carers is certainly quite strange for us, and it’s been difficult for Mum to get used to. There are 2 carers who have been assigned to her, so one of them visits each time depending who is on shift, and while they are nice and kind and do their job well enough, it is difficult for Mum to understand them as they both have strong foreign accents and an imperfect grasp of the English language. We’re managing, and Mum’s become attuned to their voices a bit as the week has gone on, but she doesn’t always respond to what they’re asking so I have to translate now and again.
They haven’t needed to do much either, as they just wash and dress her in the mornings, then get her into her nightdress in the evenings, which is still really helpful for me nonetheless. They could do more, and they do ask if there’s anything else she wants, but Mum wants them to be in and out as quickly as possible, and they don’t come at the times when they would be most useful.
They don’t need to feed her any more anyway. We had let them do it for her dinner on Tuesday night, but since then we’ve found that Mum can eat her dinners by herself one-handed if I cut things up and put a plate guard on her dish. It’s a bit slower for her, but it works, and she much prefers to do it that way instead of someone else feeding her. For breakfast and lunch she just has things she can pick up anyway.
We’ve also gradually got into a new routine in the mornings, where I have to help Mum out before the carer arrives. Mum usually likes to get up at 5:30am, but as she isn’t confident to come downstairs by herself at the moment, she has to wait for me to get up. And as much as I’d love her to wait for the carer to do everything first thing in the morning, they don’t arrive until between 9am and 10am, and she isn’t prepared to stay in bed that long. Plus their allocated slot is only 30 minutes, or 45 minutes at a push, so I don’t think they’d have time to do everything anyway.
So I get up at 7:30am – which is my normal time on work days, so I’m used to it – and I take her downstairs. She then has a cup of tea and a couple of biscuits to start with, and the tea barely touches the sides when she drinks it as she’s quite dry to begin with. Then she has another cup of tea and a couple of slices of fruit loaf. I also give her painkillers and her other pills, and I take her to the toilet. And sometimes she wants another cup of tea after that. Plus I get out the bathroom items and clothes ready for the carer to wash and dress her in the lounge. And in amongst all of that I try to have a shower, get dressed and have breakfast myself. So it’s quite a busy start to the day.
After that, and apart from our meals, Mum just rests as best she can for the rest of the day, listening to the radio for the most part, or the TV in the evening, even though it’s not easy for her of course. I still have to take her to the toilet, make her cups of tea and do any other little things she needs during the day. And she still has several moments where she needs reassurance that I’m around, or wakes up in her armchair feeling confused or panicky, as has become the norm. She’s also set off her telecare alarm by accident a couple of times by knocking the button on the pendant.
So some days have been better than others, as she can be quite demanding of attention sometimes, which can get to me a bit. If she’s particularly tired, in pain and in a panic all at once, for example, she’s not always clear about what she wants because she can’t find the words for it, instead just repeating back variations of things she’s hearing from me or the radio. So that can be a bit frustrating. She’ll even accuse me of being cruel or leaving her on her own when she’s in that state, even when I’m with her and doing everything I can for her. And if I’m tired when she’s constantly asking for things, that makes it all the more difficult.
With all that going on during the day, therefore, I wasn’t sure how I was going to manage back at work on Friday. But Mum was ok that day thankfully, only calling out to me a few times for things she actually needed. So I did get quite a bit of work done after all.
Then between 9pm and 10pm each night I take her upstairs, where I give her painkillers and tuck her into bed. She still calls out for me one or twice after that though, to say she can’t sleep or because she’s in a bit of a panic. And it’s understandable, as she doesn’t like laying there with the uncomfortable cast on, and she’s wide awake most of the night anyway because she tends to sleep during the afternoon. So all I feel I can do is remind her that there’s nothing I can really do to help her sleep, and that having a lie down for a well is a good thing, and she does go back to bed.
I did contact the GP about her sleep issues this week as well, because Mum does want help to get it sorted. But they came back to me with one of the dates next week that I clearly stated we couldn’t do, and when I tried to get it corrected via the admin form on the website, they said we had to resubmit it as a medical request again. So I decided to wait for the mental health visit next week and see what they suggest first, as a lot of her mental health issues stem from her sleep problems. And as it happened, the lady who is coming to see Mum rang on Friday to check we’d received the appointment letter, and also to mention that she’d seen our request for melatonin via Mum’s GP notes, so that’s one of the things she can discuss with Mum when visiting her next week.
Mum has also had some visitors other than carers this week. My aunt popped round at 7pm on Wednesday evening to wish Mum a belated happy birthday, giving her a card with £40 inside along with a nice jumper. And we tried explaining to her about getting help for Mum’s sleep, but she doesn’t understand what’s going on, and nor would I expect her to. She then called us on Saturday morning, offering to take Mum around the park as she had a bit of free time as it was a lovely sunny day. So they went and did that together, while I popped out and did some shopping at M&S that we needed, including a Rainbow Layer Cake that we’ve enjoyed having as a joint birthday treat. I was certainly glad to get out for a bit of a break in the nice sunshine! Mum and her sister did a full circuit of the park in the end, which was too far for Mum really, as she was very tired later in the day and needed a lie down, and was still a bit sore in her legs the next day. But ultimately she did it, and it was a good bit of exercise for her.
On Thursday, meanwhile, my local blind friend came over at noon with her personal assistant and spent about an hour with us. They were very friendly and chatty, telling us about various things Mum could potentially be able to do if and when her confidence comes back. It was a lot of information that they were firing at us, which they appreciated was the case, but it was interesting. And it was also reassuring for Mum to hear from someone who could relate to things she’s experiencing, like the visions, or difficulties in the kitchen that my friend had a few ideas about, and so on. So while it’s obviously not changed Mum’s attitude overnight, and nor was it expected or intended to, it’s given her food for thought.
Then on Friday, the occupational therapist from the frailty team came over, and was very sympathetic and gentle with Mum. He’s not going to force her to use the cane, but he’s going to try and see if he can help her to stay steady on her feet. He doesn’t think her falls are an issue with her balance particularly, but they seem to happen when she’s a bit disorientated and trying to turn around, or if she’s trying to move a bit too quickly. So he’s going to gently work on some orientation training with her, to help her develop techniques for what to do if she gets lost, which is a good idea. I’m still tempted to get her a walking frame, but as he doesn’t think it’s necessary, I’ll hold back for now.
He also said that he would chase up the referral to our local disability service, and whether by coincidence or as a result of that, I got a call from a guy there that afternoon, who was arranging for the shower seat and extra key safe to be delivered. So that will come next Wednesday, when the mental health doctor is here. It seems silly having a second key safe, and it means I’ll have to get an extra set of keys cut to go in it, but never mind.
Aside from that though, I have been able to relax a bit. I am getting some sleep each night, even if Mum occasionally wakes me up in a bit of a state some nights. And I am able to spend periods of time relaxing in my study in the afternoon and evenings, doing things on my blog, watching videos, listening to music, etc, even if I’m interrupted now and again. And I am able to watch some TV to wind down before I go to bed.
So it’s been a stressful week all in all, but we are settling into this strange and temporary new routine, and there are positive signs regarding help for Mum in the week ahead. We just have to keep our fingers crossed that things finally start getting better bit by bit from here.
Tuesday, August 26
My birthday & fracture clinic.
This has been an important couple of days, beginning with my birthday on Bank Holiday Monday, though it was obviously a strange one. I did have lots of nice messages from friends though, with Claire using AI to produce a fun picture of a giraffe with headphones, a monocular, cargo trousers and a birthday cake! She also gave me an audiobook that I’m looking forward to trying out, and my mate Simon rang me for a chat, which was nice.
Apart from that, after helping Mum out in the morning, she started to become very tired, and by lunchtime she was getting confused and talking incoherently. I put the TV on while we had lunch, and put Tipping Point on as there wasn’t much else to watch, but she started anxiously talking about how she wasn’t registered to be on the programme. And when I reminded her she was at home she added that in, saying she wasn’t registered to be on the show because she was at home.
She then fell asleep during the afternoon, and it was quite a deep sleep as it turned out, as she must have had quite a bit to catch up on. So we didn’t end up having dinner, because she was too tired for it, and the carer who came in the evening couldn’t get her changed into her nightdress, because Mum didn’t wake up in the half hour she stayed with her. But it was easy enough for me to change her at bedtime later. Instead of dinner she just had a rice pudding and we shared the last two slices of birthday cake, which was enough for her, while I had a leg of chicken and rolls myself later on.
Tuesday was then an important day, because Mum had her check-up appointment at the fracture clinic. We were thrown off guard early in the morning though, when a different carer arrived than we’d had before, about an hour earlier than the others had come. But it meant Mum was washed and dressed by 9am for a change, which was good.
Mum then got increasingly anxious about her appointment as the morning progressed, worrying about whether the transport would pick her up, or if she’d have CT scans because she hates those. But as it turned out, it was all very efficient. The transport turned up about an hour before the appointment, so we were at the hospital about 45 minutes early. But then we were seen there early as well because of that, which was good.
They replaced Mum’s cast with a more lightweight version, and the guy applying it was happy to see that her wrist was still in good shape and not deformed. Then she had some X-rays done as well. The doctor then explained that Mum’s bone was still in the ‘mushy’ stage of rebuilding, and they were happy to just keep letting it heal. So she’ll get another appointment in 4 weeks or so to have the cast taken off. The only caveat is that she already has arthritis given her age, and she’ll get more arthritis because of this injury. So if things get worse for her wrist, they may have to do an operation in the future. But for the time being it’s healing nicely on its own, and Mum has more freedom of movement in her hand.
We didn’t have to wait long for the transport home either, so altogether we were only out of the house for a couple of hours. That meant we were able to come home and have dinner before the carer came in the evening around 6:15pm. So we were all done and able to relax from 6:30pm onwards, which was good. Mum did go to bed a bit earlier than usual, but given that it was such a tiring day for her, that was understandable.
In the evening we also received the booking for her next hospital appointment, which will be in the second half of October, meaning she’ll be in the cast for another 8 weeks, or 10 in total. That’s longer than the 6 weeks they initially suggested, but that’s an average timeframe anyway. Given that she is old and getting arthritis, they might want to be absolutely sure it’s healed as much as possible before they take the cast off. Or it may just be the earliest slot they had available given how busy they are. In any case, Mum obviously wasn’t thrilled at the news when I told her the next morning, but I don’t think there’s any harm in keeping it on that bit longer to be safe, as frustrating as it’s going to be for her.
Sunday, August 31
Mental health & melatonin.
Wednesday was another important day this week, one that we hope is a big step in the right direction, though it’s still too early to tell for sure as it hasn’t improved anything yet.
The mental health doctor came around in the morning as promised, and she was very nice, listening to and understanding everything we were saying. And she agreed that trying to get Mum’s sleep sorted out is the best thing to do first. So she’s given us a prescription for melatonin, which we’re relieved about as we’d been trying to get that, and she’ll give us a call in a couple of weeks to see how things are going.
It’s the lowest dose she can prescribe (2mg), and as expected it’s had no noticeable effect so far. She’s continued to be awake all night every night, usually coming out of her bedroom once or twice while I’m still up to tell me that she can’t sleep, before I remind her there’s nothing I can do and she goes back to bed. She also checks her clock regularly, counting down the hours until the morning, and worries herself needlessly about things because her mind races. And the discomfort from her broken wrist really isn’t helping either of course. But it is best for her to rest in bed for a while, even if she’s not sleeping, rather than sitting in the lounge all night as well as all day.
Still, it’s not the end of the world, as the doctor has said she can increase the dosage or try other things. There are lots of options, it’s just important to build up gradually before giving Mum anything too strong, and this is the logical first step which we had been asking for. The doctor also recommended that Mum gets some exercise as well, so we really do need to try and get her outside walking a bit, even if it’s just to the bottom of the street and back. She’s not been in the mood for that yet, but we’ll try to do that as soon as we can. And the doctor is happy for me to look into sitting services or day centres once I’ve had my care assessment done at the end of the reablement period, as they would be useful to ensure Mum isn’t lonely when I go out, and indeed to ensure that I’m able to go out in the first place.
Shortly after the doctor left, a guy from our local disability support service then came by to deliver a shower seat and install a new key safe. He was able to drill into the old safe and get our keys out to put in the new one, so that’s good, as I don’t have to get new keys cut now. And I was able to choose the code myself this time. So I told the telecare people, who had refused to give me the code for the old safe – hence getting a new one – and they’ve updated the information on their system accordingly.
Then the next day, on Thursday, the guy from the frailty team came round to see how Mum was doing. He wanted to know if she was up for doing any of the training they had talked about, but having had a couple of important and eventful days that she was still quite tired from, she didn’t feel up to it and wanted to rest. He understood that and agreed to leave it for this week, and said that he’ll come over a few days next week to start gently helping her to do things to regain her confidence.
The carers have also continued to come round of course, with one in particular for the most part, but one of the others has occasionally popped up over the weekend. It started to be at roughly the same times every day, but just as we had got used to that, it then varied considerably from Friday to Sunday. Not her fault, as she’s only working to the rota she’s been assigned, but it makes things confusing for us. The carer was particularly early on Sunday, arriving around 7:30am, and even though she’d forewarned us the day before, it still felt too early for us.
When I’m able to arrange proper ongoing care for Mum, I’ll try and find an agency that can give us carers at a time of our choosing. Mind you, even the Sainsbury’s driver was late on Friday as well because he had a puncture, so it was quite a disrupted morning altogether really. I was able to pop out to M&S on Saturday without incident though, to get us some more nice goodies.
Other than all that, I was back at work from Wednesday to Friday, and I did get a fair amount done despite Mum wanting my attention several times, just like every day at the moment. She’s naturally continued to be tired and anxious during the daytime, because of her lack of sleep at night, the discomfort of her fracture, the length of time she knows she’ll be in the cast, not being able to see, and the emotional stress it’s all causing. So that’s resulted in some more panic attacks when she wakes up in her armchair, after which it can take a while to calm her down and convince her that she’s safely in the lounge at home, and she’s very anxious if she doesn’t know where I am. None of which surprises me, and I totally understand why she’s in that state at the moment, but it is stressful trying to help her sometimes.
That said, we’ve just come to the realisation that being in the hospital changed her mindset a bit. She had been calling out for me when she was on the ward, but the staff had kept telling her that I wasn’t there, so she had resorted to just calling for help instead of for me. And consequently she’s been continuing to do that since she came home, which hadn’t really registered with me until this week. But I could tell she’d lost a bit of faith and trust in me during that week away, because I couldn’t be there all the time, and it’s now clear that at home she’s been calling out for help in the hope that anyone will come, afraid of calling for me by name in case I’m not there or don’t like her using it. But now we’ve discussed it, and I’ve made it clear that I do like her using my name, which she would also prefer to do, I’m hoping we can get back to that. It’s a little thing perhaps, but it just feels like we have a stronger connection and I feel more recognised if she calls for me directly, and she likes the fact that I brought it up because she’d been quietly worried about it.
There are also little signs that she’s keen to do things herself without my help, such as getting up out of her armchair or the dining chair sometimes instead of me lifting her, getting down and up the two steps outside the back door when she uses the outside toilet (even though I still have to go with her to help with her trousers), or going into the kitchen and getting herself a glass of water occasionally. They’re only small, everyday tasks, but it’s more than she was doing initially. I just hope she continues to be slow and careful about things, as she does have a tendency to move a bit too quickly if she gets a bit too keen, or when she’s tired she’s not as careful as she could or should be while moving around.
We’ll see how it goes though. September’s going to be a long month, as Mum will continue to need a lot of help all the way through it. But if we can get her sleep sorted out for a start, that should really help, and then getting her cast off later in October will be quite the relief.
Conclusion
So that’s how things have been going in the second half of this month. I’m delighted to have Mum back home, but while she’s in her plaster cast and feeling more anxious than ever, there’s a lot more work involved in looking after her, and it’s been a difficult adjustment for both of us. I hate seeing her like this, in terms of both her physical and mental state.
But we are supporting each other and getting through it together, as we do recognise that we’re both having a rough ride. And now we’re getting extra help from a mental health doctor and the frailty team, along with her wrist gradually healing, I’m hoping it will gradually get easier. It’s just a slow process and we have to be patient.
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Well Eye Never 
hang in there you guys!
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Thanks Amanda. 🙂
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