Journal – April 2013

Welcome to my next set of journal entries. This month my mother and I made another trip up to London for Easter, although we didn’t end up doing a great deal, and our plans for moving have taken another step forward. Plus there are some more jokes that were sent to me, and there have been a couple of much less cheerful news stories dominating the headlines. So I hope you find this interesting as always.

Tuesday April 2, 2013

Mum and I are back from London, having gone up the weekend before Easter. And there’s little to report to be honest. Either winter’s being very persistent, or spring’s having a lie-in, but either way the whole of the UK’s been bitterly cold for the last fortnight, and spring-like weather won’t be around for another couple of weeks it seems. So I had a cold starting as we went up to London, and had it most of the week, and then Mum caught it just as I was feeling better. So we didn’t end up doing much, other than going out and doing a little bit of shopping – mainly for groceries in Sainsbury’s, but we did pop up to Stratford on one day, getting a couple of nice, warm dressing gowns in M&S, which were 20% off the usual price. And that’s about it!

Nan’s house itself was pretty cold when we arrived, and we had the heaters on all the time we were there. The window in Nan’s old bedroom, which is now my bedroom, doesn’t even close, and hasn’t done for a number of years apparently, due to the wooden frame changing a little from the effect of the weather. I had a heater in there though, kept the curtains closed all the time, and had a hot water bottle in the bed every night, so I was quite cosy. The weather outside did get a tiny bit milder as the week went on, but there were little snow flurries in the air on the day we arrived.

So we just happened to pick the wrong week to go up really! But it’s made it clear that we need double-glazing put in, as well as central heating and new electrics with way more mains points than we have now.

The trip home wasn’t too bad, though it took a little bit longer than it should, as over-running engineering work from the bank holiday was affecting various services. Indeed, if we’d attempted travelling on Easter Monday, we’d have had to give up, as there’d have been quite a bit of bus travel involved I think! Anyway, today, 10 minutes before our original train was due to leave, the departure board changed to say the train had been cancelled – so we went to the information desk, and they told us to get the next train to Plymouth and change en route. Which worked out ok – it was only half an hour after our original train. We had to wait half an hour for our connection when we changed trains as well, but it could have been a lot worse.

As for work, that was pretty busy right up until the day before we went away, with all the stuff for financial year-end, but I just managed to finish everything I needed to do, I think! Hopefully there weren’t any major problems in my absence – though I know people will be looking forward to me coming back, as they keep saying they miss me while I’m away! Which is good – it’s nice to know you’re valued and appreciated.

I’ve also got the invite for my friend AB’s wedding in May, so that’s the next big event. My friends SM & TB are coming down for that, so I’m going to try and book into the same Premier Inn as them. It’ll be nice to see them and other friends again on the day.

Tuesday April 23, 2013

Jokes forwarded from a friend:

• Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
• After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.  That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.
• My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
• Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
• I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
• Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month – time to change supplier I think.
• Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
• Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
• A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
• Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year’s riots – your one year manufacturer’s warranty runs out soon.
• “IT’S A BOY!” I shouted. “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY!” And with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai brothel.
• Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital – one’s in a korma, the other’s got a dodgy tikka!
• Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room, and he reluctantly agrees. The next day Billy comes downstairs and asks: “Dad, what’s love juice?”. Dad looks horrified, and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says: “So what were you watching?” Billy replies: “Wimbledon.”
• A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: “I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.” He replies: “Your eyesight is perfect.”
• Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: ‘Your sense of humour!”
• An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband: “I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?” He replies: “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

Sunday April 28, 2013

My Aunt’s given us the go-ahead to move, following discussions we had with her during our Easter visit to London. The main decision is that we’re not going to have any work done on Nan’s house before we move, we’ll sort it out after we get there. And we shouldn’t have much to take up with us – clothes, bedding, CDs, DVDs, my computer, the Blu-ray player, some stuff from the loft, some bits and pieces from the kitchen, things like that. We’re not taking up furniture or white goods like the fridge, cooker, washing machine, etc, as we’ll get new stuff up there anyway. So it shouldn’t be too bad. We can get a house clearance done on the rest – either a charity like Rowcroft or someone else – and then give the house to an estate agent.

Then, after we move into Nan’s house, we’ll go with my Aunt to the solicitors and get it transferred from my Mum’s and Aunt’s names, to Mum’s and mine. That way, if anything ever happens to Mum, then I’d still be able to look after things. We’ll also get the electricity, water, gas and phone put into Mum and/or my names as well at that point. Indeed, one of the first things we’ll have to do is get broadband put in up there.

The other key thing to do will be to get a room set up for me to work in. I’ll have to talk to my manager about that, now I can tell him we’re ready to go. I know that he and others are happy for me to work from home, and it’s come as a relief to others now the word’s spread around. A few people have been under the impression I was actually leaving, but they became very relieved when I told them I would be working from home.

The news hasn’t been too cheerful recently, in particular because Margaret Thatcher died, which resulted in quite a big funeral. Though given how divisive she was it wasn’t too surprising that some were happy that she’d gone, and there were even a few street parties celebrating her death.

Some people even tried to campaign for the song Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead to get into the charts – and it did, at number 2, though the BBC only played a snippet on Radio 1 to avoid causing offence. I didn’t watch the funeral or much of the rest of the coverage anyway, as I was only a kid when she was in power, so I have no particular interest.

There were also 2 explosions near the finish line of the Boston Marathon a couple of weeks ago, killing a few people and injuring many others, and within a week or so the police had found both the Chechen-born men responsible – one being shot dead, and the other injured a few days later when they tried to arrest him. At the London Marathon last weekend there was a 30-second silence for the victims, and then the race itself happened without any problems. Mo Farah ran half the course, as a midway preparation to doing next year’s event at the full distance.

So yeah, as I say, there’s not been a lot of cheerful news around! But I will finish on what will hopefully be a cheerful note – it’s AB & DB’s wedding next weekend. I’ve got time off work from Wednesday to Friday this week to use up the last few days from last year’s holiday card, then I’ll be going up to Exeter on Friday and coming back on the Bank Holiday Monday. SM & TB are coming down too, and the three of us have all booked in to the Premier Inn at Exeter St David’s. The plan on Friday night is to go to the On The Waterfront pizza restaurant by the river, which is always nice. Then the wedding and reception will be on Saturday. Sunday we can do whatever we want, then Monday we’ll all go back to our respective homes. So it should be fun!

Tuesday April 30, 2013

Forwarded from a friend.

Male Rules

Finally, the guys’ side of the story. We always hear ‘the rules’ from the female side, now here are the rules from the male side:

1. Men are not mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat, you’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Crying is blackmail.
4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
5. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
8. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
9. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
11. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
12. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
13. All men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
14. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
15. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear..
16. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, really.
17. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
18. You have enough clothes.
19. You have too many shoes.
20. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.