Journal – August 2011

Another birthday’s come around, how quickly the time goes. I’ve only written one journal entry this month, to mark the occasion and give a general update on what I’ve been up to, but it still contains quite a few things. And I’ve also continued to receive some jokes from friends in my emails, so I’ve added them here to flesh things out and give you some amusement. I hope you enjoy!

Tuesday August 16, 2011

Forwarded from a friend:

Wonderful English from around the world:

• Bangkok temple: “It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man.”
• Norway cocktail lounge: “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”
• Rome doctor’s office: “Specialist in women and other diseases.”
• Bangkok dry cleaners: “Drop your trousers here for the best results.”
• Nairobi restaurant: “Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.”
• On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi: “Take notice: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
• On a poster at Kencom: “Are you an adult that cannot read? If so we can help.”
• In a city restaurant: “Open seven days a week and weekends.”
• In a cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
• Tokyo hotel: “Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.”
• Swiss restaurant menu: “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”
• Tokyo bar: “Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.”
• Yugoslavia hotel: “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.”
• Moscow hotel lobby, across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: “You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.”
• Germany’s Black Forest: “It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.”
• Zurich hotel: “Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.”
• Copenhagen airline ticket office: “We take your bags and send them in all directions.”
• Rome laundry: “Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”

Thursday August 18, 2011

Forwarded from a friend – debunked as false but still amusing:

This is a set of American bloopers. Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics 2004 that they would like to take back:

• Weightlifting: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”
• Dressage: “This is really a lovely horse, and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
• Gymnast Paul Hamm: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
• Boxing: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”
• Softball: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
• Basketball: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
• Rowing Medal Ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”
• Soccer: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
• Tennis: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god, what have I just said!”

Thursday August 25, 2011

Forwarded from a friend:

• Police are warning there are hundreds of people gathering in the town centre playing medieval instruments really badly.
  Will this mindless luting never end?
• I was walking through town last night when a guy threw a savoury snack at me.
  What is it with all this wonton violence?
• My missus asked me to whisper some dirty things to her the other night.
  She didn’t seem too impressed when I replied with “Kitchen, bathroom, carpet…”
• When I found out the Chuckle Brothers were taking legal action against me I immediately put in a counter claim.
  Sue me, sue you.
• Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
  All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
• I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.
  At least I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse.
• My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
  Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
• My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.
  Can you believe that – 2:30am?!
  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
• The wife has been missing a week now.
  Police said to prepare for the worst.
  So I’ve been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Friday August 26, 2011

I’m 28! Not that I feel any different, although it’s strange having a birthday without Dad around of course. Yesterday was just a normal day in fact – I went to work as usual, as a colleague had booked that day off before I could, and we didn’t get anything in the post yesterday either. I got the cakes in at work on Wednesday though, the day before my colleague was off. I also spoke to my mate SM yesterday, while PK sent me a text to wish me Happy Birthday, and a number of friends on Facebook sent me their best wishes.

And today, which I do have off work, the cards and presents arrived, so that was nice. SM sent me a funny card as I’d expected. My Aunt & Uncle sent a pack of 7 M&S handkerchiefs, which are always handy to have, plus a cheque for £20. And Nan sent a £50 cheque! So I’ll probably spend those on DVDs – I think a Blu-ray Star Wars set is out soon for instance, and I’ve never properly owned them, although Dad had a few of them on video once.

Mum paid for a USB turntable as my birthday present, so I’ve started working through the vinyl records in the suitcases and boxes in the loft, copying some of them on to my PC. It’s interesting listening to them all, and it’s great they still play, considering how old they are and how often they got used. There are naturally a few scratches or skips here and there, even after a bit of cleaning, but it is very few. Any tracks I can’t get off the record I can usually get online anyway, so I still end up with the complete album each time. I’m getting through it well, doing about 2 LPs a night on average, as you have to listen to them when you record them, but then I like doing that. Not just to hear if they skip, but more because it’s just nice to do so. And I’ve looked through quite a variety so far – Manfred Mann, Dean Martin, Acker Bilk, Shirley Bassey, Tom Jones, Tony Hancock, Mrs Mills, Rod Stewart… on and on it goes! And I’m still only on the first suitcase!

Mum’s had her birthday as well recently, so I paid for a few talking books for her from the RNIB, including the entire Forsyte Saga, which is 3 books on 6 discs, each book being over 30 hours! So that’ll keep her going for a while. And I ordered some flowers for her too from M&S, which looked nice and lasted a nice couple of weeks. When we went out shopping today, we got a Cadbury Flake cake for both our birthdays combined, which we’ll have with ice-cream over the weekend. We tend to have desserts like a cheesecake or a gateau each weekend, with some ice-cream, eating half of it on Saturday and half on Sunday. The ice-cream we’ve been getting from Tesco is from Kelly’s, a Cornish firm, and it’s very nice.

Mum has a hairdresser’s appointment tomorrow, so it was handy that I had the day off to get the shopping today. Although I’ll be popping out tomorrow while she’s in the hairdresser’s too. I can put in the cheques I got for starters, and get a few things to have for tea on the Saturday, Sunday and Bank Holiday Monday. I can also drop off some more books at the Rowcroft Hospice charity shop, which we’ve started doing each week to clear out all the books we have in the loft. It’s a nice easy way to get rid of them, taking a few bags down each week. We’ve got some videos and ornaments and other bits we’ll take down there too once the books are done. And I have a donation card too, as I’ve signed up to let them claim Gift Aid on everything they sell, meaning the government gives them some of the tax back. So it all helps, and they’re a very good charity, looking after the terminally ill.

As for what I’m watching, I’ve started going through The Fellowship Of The Ring, the first in the extended editions I bought on Blu-ray. It’s been a few years since I last watched the films, so it’s good to see them again, and in Blu-ray quality. And then there’s all the extras as well, it’s worth going through them too.

Doctor Who returns for the second half of its 6th series this weekend too, which is good. Torchwood: Miracle Day has been alright – a bit slow getting going, but still ok. Mum and I have been watching Series 10 & 11 of The Two Ronnies as we have our dinner each day, though we also listen to Just A Minute once a week too, which is funny. We enjoy listening to I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue when that’s on as well.

The news hasn’t been too cheerful. It was largely about the riots that took place in London and other parts of the country. It all started after a man called Mark Duggan was shot by police in London. A peaceful protest started, which was fine, but then other people turned it violent, trashing shops, houses, cars, etc. Over 2,000 arrests have been made in London since then, with people being put in prison or being given community orders. It’s horrible that people act like that.

Libya’s been dominant in the news as well lately, with rebels still fighting off Colonel Gaddafi’s loyalists, and nobody’s sure where Gadaffi actually is. The rebels seem to be winning, but it’s slow going, and they can’t set up a new government just yet. And at home, a Red Arrows pilot died when his plane crashed after a display, so that was sad.

Other than that, I don’t think there’s anything else in particular to mention. It’s been a nice birthday – nothing out of the ordinary, and indeed yesterday just felt like a normal day really. But it’s still nice to be able to get a few new things, and to have a long Bank Holiday weekend off work!

Wednesday August 31, 2011

Forwarded from a friend:

Zen Teachings:

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. 
• Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any. 
• No one is listening until you pass wind. 
• Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. 
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 
• If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 
• Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. 
• If at first you don’t succeed, sky-diving is not for you. 
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
• If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. 
• Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. 
• Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 
• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment. 
• A closed mouth gathers no foot. 
• There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 
• Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving. 
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. 
• We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse – then things just keep getting worse. 
• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.