Journal – July 2014

Here’s another brief journal entry from what is proving to be a very quiet year, along with a couple of jokes I’ve been sent to pad things out a bit. June was very uneventful, so I’ve waited until now before writing another update, talking about a bit of building work, some great news from a friend of mine that will give me a lot more to do next year, and the sad passing of a hugely popular comedian. So I’m sorry this is quite short, but I hope you enjoy!

Monday July 7, 2014

Time for another quick update, as there are a couple of things to mention. To start with, Mum and I are very happy and relieved that our builder finally came around last week and did the work we wanted, including the house and conservatory roofs, and some other little bits and pieces. He still needs to come round one more time to fix a couple of small things, but in terms of the key work, we’ve crossed that major hurdle at last, at least we hope so!

So right now, I’m going through all the paperwork I have upstairs, shredding things we really don’t need, and scanning in copies of the stuff we’re keeping so we have electronic versions. I’m just doing a bit a night, as there’s a fair amount. Then we’ll look at other stuff we want to clear out and get a skip to put all in. After that, we should be able to start approaching estate agents for valuations and look at selling the place at long last – we were really starting to think we’d never go. And we haven’t gone yet, so I’m not counting my chickens too early, anything’s possible. But I really hope we make the move soon.

In other good news, I’ve also just spoken to my mate SM this evening, and he’s now engaged to TB at last! She’s been staying with him in Guernsey for the past week, and he proposed on her birthday while they were enjoying a scenic view on Sark. They’re going to get married in Guernsey some time in 2015. His cousin came around to visit them this evening, so he kept me on Skype until they arrived, so he could ask both me and his cousin if we would both be his best men. Which, of course, we said yes to. SM’s my best friend, and we have actually discussed it before. So that should be fun! And in terms of other friend-related news, AB is pregnant again, so let’s hope she has better fortunes this time around.

Work’s been pretty much the same as usual. We were busy with election work in May, and the new system we’ve been working on still hasn’t gone live yet, unsurprisingly. There are more budget cuts on the way too, meaning more redundancies and some services will be stretched even further, to the point where some departments will have to stop certain work altogether. Down in Printing we’re ok for the next year though, as a recent colleague’s departure helped to give us a salary saving. We’re also about to shuffle around the offices and equipment to move the Post Room staff in with us, and free up their room for others to use. So that’s going to be a bit chaotic for a short while. Still, it won’t affect me too much if I’m going anyway. My section manager seems confident I’ll be snapped up by another employer in London – which I hope is true, I’ll certainly keep an eye out up there. But we’ll see. Let’s just get moved first!

News-wise, aside from all the usual boring political things, we’ve had the sudden death of Rik Mayall at just 56. It appears he had a heart attack. So that’s a huge loss to the comedy world. And now we’ve had another big star from the 70s and 80s convicted of sex offences against children and young women – this time being Rolf Harris. He was jailed today for nearly 6 years (and that could potentially be extended). The guilty verdict on Monday was quite a shock, but the evidence was pretty conclusive. Such a shame, he was a legend to many. England are out of the World Cup as well, having got knocked out in the group stages, and Andy Murray has been knocked out of Wimbledon too. Still to finish on a positive, the Commonwealth Games could be interesting when they start later this month!

Tuesday July 8, 2014

Forwarded from a friend:

In the year 2014, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Somerset and said: “Once again, the Earth has become evil and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.

“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah. “But things have changed…

“I needed a Building Permit. I’ve been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

“My neighbours claim that I’ve violated the Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision.

“Then the Local Council and the Electric Company demanded a boatload of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!

“When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

“Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work. The Trades Unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.”

Noah looked up in wonder and asked “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The Government beat me to it.”

Friday July 11, 2014

Forwarded from a friend:

A lady was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of pounds for dinner.

The lady took out her wallet, got out ten pounds and asked: “If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago.” the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the lady asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping.” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the lady asked.

“Are you NUTS?!’ replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” the lady said. “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”

The homeless woman was shocked. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The lady said” “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”

Author: Glen

Love London, love a laugh, love life. Visually impaired blogger, culture vulture & accessibility advocate, with aniridia & nystagmus, posting about my experiences & adventures.

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